My name is Tonia Lott and I’m a USPS strategic integration and communications advisor in Washington, DC.
When I’m not at my job, I’m an advocate for mental health and suicide prevention. My advocacy work not only centers around prevention but breaking the stigma associated with depression, mental health and suicide.
I authored a self-published book, “My Beautiful Black Son Died by Suicide,” about my grief journey surrounding the loss of my son Julian, and started an organization, Healing Out Loud, to help educate and support others.
Julian was amazing and the joy of my life. He was a 2019 graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy, then finished at the top of his class at a submarine engineering school in Charleston, SC. He had a girlfriend and was a pet parent to two dogs. At 25 years old, he owned two houses.
When I noticed he was a little distant or irritable, he said, “I’m just busy” and I thought because of his demanding job as a lieutenant supervisor of his nuclear sub crew, that was reasonable.
I had no clue that someone who had such a dynamic personality and was successful, funny and popular could be depressed.
Now I know if there’s a significant change in your loved one’s personality, don’t just say, “Oh they’re busy.” Follow up and ask what’s really going on and if they are depressed or have thoughts of harming themselves. I think people don’t ask about that because they think it will put the idea in someone’s head.
My research has shown that it can almost be a relief to ask that question of someone who is contemplating suicide. If I had asked that of Julian, I think he would have said, “Yes,” but I never asked him. He was in pain, and he needed it to stop.
A vital point that I’ve learned is not to use the term “committed suicide” but instead say someone “died by suicide” or “I lost my son to suicide.”
People do not commit suicide. It’s not a selfish choice. They are in pain.
I’ve also learned to be mindful of “proud bombing.” I was constantly telling Julian how proud I was of him. You think that’s a good thing as a parent, but you should also give your kids a safe place to land if their plans change. I wish I would’ve told him if he was unhappy with his career in the Navy, then we would figure out his next steps. But I believe in his mind, this would have been too disappointing to his friends and family after being such a high achiever all of his life.
As part of my advocacy work, I have been a frequent guest on local radio shows and podcasts in Washington, DC, and the Baltimore area, where I reside. I’ll deliver my first keynote address at a conference in September.
A lot of people have thanked me for being transparent with my journey. I’m determined to ensure my son’s life and his loss will make an impact on this world by helping others.
“Off the Clock,” a column on Postal Service employees and their after-hours pursuits, appears regularly in Link.
